Bush Issues "Regrets" after U.S. Attack On Oklahoma

WASHINGTON DC - In the wee hours of Sunday morning President Bush held a press conference to issue a statement of regret about the invasion of Oklahoma by U.S. troops. Just hours after crack Black Division units had been withdrawn from positions around Norman, Oklahoma the unusual midnight press conference was carried on WB and UPN. U.S. troops had begun the invasion within two hours after the University of Oklahoma's Sooners had defeated the Texas Longhorns for the third straight year. At 6:49 P.M. Eastern Time wire stories alerted a shocked nation that the Bush Administration had placed Oklahoma on the "Axis of Evil" list with Iraq, Iran, and North Korea.

"I was just kidding," said Bush. "Okay, I lost my temper and made a few statements I shouldn't have but an over-anxious aide took me more serious (sic) than I had meant it to be taken." Unnamed sources at the White House identified the over-anxious aide as Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld. The Secretary was reportedly at an "undisclosed location" and was not available for comment.

The President refused however to back down on his demand for regime change in the coaching staff at OU. "Bob Stoops is an evil man." Bush went on to warn the OU coach ,"and others of his ilk", that if he did not allow UN inspectors to come to OU to search his play books, then the USA would resort to military actions against the ruling regime in Norman. “We want to know if he is creating plays of mass destruction or not. He claims he is not; let the world know about it,” Bush said. Bush went on to predict that "the wind will blow away foreign threats as the noise of an evil covetous tyrant, the enemy of Bevo will eventually be cast to the winds in the mother of all battles".

While troops had been withdrawn Saturday night, Dan Mahoney, Oklahoma Governor Frank Keating's press director reported that a bombing campaign apparently aimed at removing the coach from power was continuing. "Apparently, the President has not heeded our calls to cease the air assault," Mahoney said. "This marks the first military action taken against Oklahoma since 1908."

"This is a confusing policy," said Todd Furman of the Cato Institute. "Bush issues a statement of regret but then continues bombing the Sooners. Just who is in control of our military strategy?" "Strange though it seems, these dueling positions actually make sense when you consider the two competing priorities of Bush's policy ever since he was elected president. One priority is protecting Texas, about which the president and many administration officials have spoken warmly. The other priority is prosecuting America's own war on terrorism. In the fall, that meant recruiting Middle Eastern members for the coalition against the Sooners; today, it means finding Arab support for the unexpected war against Bob Stoops. In either case, Texas is the loser."