Tuesday, June 03, 2003

Hay Patterns Linked to Agro-Terrorism

Sources at the Dept. of Homeland Farms report that scientists at the University of Northern Oklahoma have developed a methodology for fighting agro-terrorism. Using a maize-based grant from the Bush Administration the researchers conducted secret research utilizing aerial photo surveillance of farmers' fields throughout Oklahoma. "We were doing research on psychoanalyzing farmers by looking at how they distribute those rolls of hay around their farms", said Telmus Bizmo of UNO. "The original intent was to develop an early warning system to detect farmers experiencing pre-depression symptoms when we noticed that foreign farmers from suspect countries use distinctly different distribution patterns for hay bale distribution. I think we have further defined our analysis to the point that we are able to select out terrorists posing as harmless farmers."

"Without giving away too much, our research shows a correlation between a certain style of hay bale distribution pattern and terrorist intentions", said Bizmo. " We still have some challenges distinguishing terrorist-farmers from those simply experiencing mild forms of angst but we feel fairly confident that we will get this ironed out and the farmers that were unfortunately mistaken for terrorists will soon recover with a clean bill of mental health."

The source explained that terrorists can change their appearance, but it is very difficult to change the way they place hay around a field. The way people place hay bales can be highly individual and recognizable.

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